Am I really in this thing for me?
What a question to ask as a Christian Hedonist. The answer is “of course!”, right? I am in this for me because God is most glorified in me when I am most satisfied in him. Careful, careful.
Don’t misuse CH to shirk the question that we should ask ourselves regularly. Am I in this thing– this gospel community, this ministry, this training– am I really in this thing for me? Is this about me? Me, me, me?
I want the very thought of such a possibility to send chills down my spine. Moreover, I want the evidences of such defilement in my heart to send me to my face in prayer, asking God to slit my throat before it would become a reality. Yes, slit my throat. Put me down. Prayers interrupted with thoughts about research and papers and publication and books and Phds are enough distemper to make me nearly pull my hair out. I want no part of that. None.
And I don’t want the “it’s all about Jesus” flag to be in theory only. How can I practically live in decrease so that Christ may increase? How can I get the heck out of the way? Much heart work is needed. Oh, damn the subtlety of wanting my own name to be known (in the name of making Jesus known)!
Brothers, we cannot live any other way. Let us put this out there, from our souls to the Lord. If this is about us then let us get out of this thing now. Now. And Jesus, you must come and do something. Please! The last thing the church and the world needs is another gospel minister made up of the things I see in my own heart.